You’ve done right by me.

Its time I showed appreciation for all that has changed me, and helped me grow. I was a bitch, at many times in my life, I’m sure. Said things I should’ve kept to myself, and been ungrateful for whats been given to me.

My parents, for they have raised me to want to be the woman I’m becoming. The wife I always wanted to be, I saw what I wanted, unaware of how to achieve such wise thoughts, how to get past my immaturity. Part is with age, experience, and the responsibility I’ve been begging for since my sophomore year of HS. I have managed to get everything I’ve ever wanted in life, because my parents showed me the way.

My mother. She pushed me into girl scouts at a young age, never permitting me to give up like everyone else seemed to do. I stuck through it, so I could have a better future supposedly. Its showing through in more ways than one. I have leadership skills, I have people skills, I have learned how to quiet a room, I want to be superwoman and I’ll always have the motto of “Leave a place better than you found it.” I often carefully pick up trash on lightrail and toss it when I get off. And I don’t litter, I litter my purse up instead. I’ve learned to generally not question my authority, unless I feel in my gut its right I do.
Girl scouts has done quite a lot for me, but she also got me into swimming, the most refreshing release of my energy besides dancing. I know how to have a good time, I’ll admit, I’ve seen my fair share of bad moods, but its magnificent when my mom is happy. When she feels good, the whole place is silly, happier. Something similar to what my dad would always say, “Happy wife, equals a happy life.” And its very much true. We as women hold a lot of power. Anyways, its nice. And I’ve gotten that part from her, the over accentuated feeling of happiness. Its a great gene to have my friends, fucking fantastic to feel THAT happy about something. Mine might be even more accentuated though. I’m still grateful.

My dad. Oh geez my dad, he has to be superman, right? Like, really? I know he’s been held so very high on that pedestal but you should know why. He always overworked himself, frequently doing probably 60 or 70 hours of work a week. He may not have been home too much, but when he was home, it counted. I would love coming home from school and immediately going to the store with him once we dropped off my siblings. I learned how to find the prices that were the best for what you’re getting and how much you’re getting. Being smart about what we bought, and he always said no when I wanted something stupid I shouldn’t be allowed to have, and instead a special snack he knew I loved. I was the picky one, anyways. He took runs with us, he asked us what we wanted for our birthday. My choices for myself, a shopping spree for a new outfit, or a trip to Six Flags or Great America. Yea, I was in fact spoiled in some ways. I may not have had my dad for everything in my life, but he was there for the important stuff and spoiled us to the point we knew we were spoiled but knew we weren’t ever able to take advantage of it with him. And we were taught to earn the money we wanted to spend. Before getting it. We didn’t have to do weekly or daily chores, didn’t have to keep up on our rooms or make our beds. But, when we needed anything, we very clearly had something we could be doing to earn some money. I learned how to do yard work, and quickly once I started getting into trouble and having nothing I could do otherwise. He taught me that comparison is the heart of all unhappiness. He taught me to appreciate, taught me manners, taught me to think about what it is I’m about to say. The if its not nice, don’t say anything at all. Got stuck in my head eventually. And I may have stopped talking because I was a brat in high school, but at least now I don’t want to start fights, I don’t want to yell, or scream. I just want happy happy, all the time. I’m so very appreciative for each and every visit I get with him now. I can finally understand the way that he thinks, why he did all that he’s done. I understand money, I know how to drive, I know how to shop, I know everything I know because he walked me through it. He got me into the music I absolutely adore. Every time I’ve ever done anything wrong, the first thing to come to mind is him, what he’ll say and what he’ll think. I know now, its irrelevant, it may never matter what I’ve done, I’ll never be evil or so stupid. I was simply raised better, and my parents will always understand and accept me. And I thank them for that.

And, to my father. I sometimes think I am better than others, simply because I’m starting to see the world in a different light, that its possible to get what you want, if you have the motivation and determination. The wisdom to figure out a plan and follow through with it. That we all make mistakes, but that we can learn from them and take from them what we need to.

I love my dad more than words can describe, he has been my role model.

 

I wrote this 3 years ago, and forgot to publish it, I stand by it. I have the confidence in my self worth. I bring honesty, and no judgements to the table. I was raised by a man with strong values, I will only believe in my values more as I grow older.

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Lets get crafty

Since my car accident, I’m not allowed to work or even carry a purse around, too much strain while my back and neck are trying to heal. I keep thinking to myself I can do whatever I want, til I’m suddenly in pain. So I’m in a pretty rough spot in life, and I need to make the best of what I can still do to keep my sanity. I’ve decided to craft.

I have been crocheting since the accident. It was all I could do. I spent a couple months making a baby blanket, and when I was completely finished the day of the baby’s birth I felt very accomplished in myself, it came out bigger than the average baby blanket because I had to make it so awkwardly since I used different kinds of yarn. I plan on continuing to crochet, but instead of things for others, its time I made a little for myself. I’m planning to make a scarf and beanie for myself out of the leftover cream plush yarn I used in the middle of the baby blanket. I hope to get more yarn to make more things. But I’m actually more interested in other crafts…

I want to paint motivational wooden words, or make my life my pinterest account. I want to bake things that come out as beautiful tasty creations. I want to decorate my room to look like I have my own serenity room, a room that screams a woman lives here and that woman is me. I want to take my favorite pictures of my past, the ones that motivate and put my mind at ease, and put them in a frame I decorated or created myself. I want to put my puzzles into huge frames so I can hang them and feel proud of the few things I can accomplish while I’m still healing.

In my world, I have very little control over anything, I can’t earn money by a job or even house chores since I’m back with my parents. I’m stuck in a pretty stupid spot that I wish I hadn’t been shoved into. I miss working out, dancing, competing in bar competitions, I miss running 5 and 10ks, I miss being the old me. So, its time for a better me. I have to do the few things that make me who I am while I learn a few new tricks to feel whole again while I feel so disabled.

I’m going to get a bookshelf, and a few shelves in general to hang in places for extra storage in my room, I’m gonna get around to finally hanging my super heavy Yellow Submarine picture. I want to get crafty, making things I’ve never thought to make, making things I’ve wanted to make for years. I need things to keep me feeling productive in life while I can’t do very much at all.

I’m not gonna lie, I come from a family that doesnt clean or organize, so that’s a skill I’m slowly picking up because I’m forced to in order to keep my sanity while I can’t clean my room in one sitting or do basic things like carry my laundry to and from the laundry room. I’ve been cleaning my room bit by bit for weeks, because I had let it go months without being touched. I hadn’t done laundry in a good month and was just slowly running out of things. I wasn’t feeling even remotely OK stuck in my room. 2015 was my worst year yet, and I hope no year is worse than what I dealt with, but I suspect I can’t help the future. I can only try to prevent making the same mistakes I made this year. Some of my worst moments were not my fault, and I couldn’t control the fall out from the events that occurred, but the moments I could’ve done differently, I will next time. I have to. I won’t fall that far again. I’m aware of my hearing issues, and now of my physical ones. I will work with them, and not force myself to do things I can’t anymore.

Some days I lack motivation to even get out of bed for any amount of time, some days I have the motivation to tackle the world. I wish I woke up ready to do things more often than I don’t. We’ll see how I do with all these new crafts in my life. Maybe it’ll pull me out of this funk and push me back out into the real world. Well, here I go.